How Will Smith Just Endangered Brown and Black Boys Dealing with Adversity

 First, let's get this straight - Chris Rock was out of line, punto. He was obviously riffing and trying to extend his time on stage, ignoring that there were already THREE very funny female comedian hosts who wanted their time back. He then used that stolen time to take a swing at Jada as if she was just sporting a new "do," obviously either ignorant or uncaring to her very public issues with Alopecia.  Foul on Chris. His joke would be akin to making light of Troy Kotsur's hearing impairment, or Liza Minelli in a wheelchair. 

I'm not going to go into the justification for the assault, or discuss how Will's attempt to reclaim his supposed tarnished masculinity played into this, or debate people's idea of what husbands should or should not do in defense of their wives.  That's all out there.  This post isn't about Will, or Chris, or even Jada - this is about young men and boys who AREN'T the Smiths.

What's most garish about that display, was that Will Smith struck Chris, on stage, live, in front of the world to see, and then casually sat back down and was allowed to stay throughout the show, and even accept his award with an incoherent half-apology, using "love" as an excuse for violence. It brought me back many, many years, and made me fearful of what his actions may mean for young boys growing up in adversity.

Growing up in the South Bronx, I was nerdy, thin, and unathletic; characteristics that immediately put my masculinity into question in the eyes of the rough and tumble crowd in my neighborhood. So, while I was dealing with abuse at home, I also had my fair share of taunts and bullying. I walked my dog around the block holding a broomstick - both to ward off aggressive dogs that would be let loose in the park, but also to ward off aggressive kids who saw an easy mark. That wouldn't stop them from making comments at my expense though, as they passed by they would make me quite aware that I was the "kid with glasses walking his f-getty dog."

In the "projects," you avoided the fight if you could, but you had to be prepared to finish one if you had to, by any means possible. I knew that code, and I've had my share of scraps. My size meant that I could not rely on having fair fight - anything could be used to even the odds. I've busted noses and closed a few eyes in my day - and taken my fair share as well. It was a tough life, but it also made me a fighter, and unafraid.

Later when my "nerdiness" earned me a scholarship to private school, I unknowingly added an additional, third war zone to maneuver. Here, not only was I all the things that made me a mark in my "hood," but I was also Brown, and poor, two things that didn't exist back home. And while the bullying was less physical, it was much more mentally traumatic. "They" wanted to make sure that I knew I did not belong, that I was less than them. I was a constant joke, a caricature that inspired comedy, mimicry, and even art.

There were times having all this pressure was too much, and I exploded.  I thought that the code of my hood applied - that to earn that respect, sometimes you needed to claim your space, and to do so physically. I'd absorb the taunting until finally, I'd blink and find myself putting a kid in a headlock, or throwing something across the classroom. I'd blast out obscenities in the middle of a lesson and make threats, to the delight of my enemies, and the shock of teachers and administrators. 

I had turned into the "problem brown/black boy" - the Black or Latino kid in many private or exclusive schools who, while smart, had "self control" issues. And once that label was upon me - nothing I did could catch a break. I cycled through inhouse suspensions, calls to my parents, detentions and not-so subtle threats of being kicked out of school.  I couldn't understand why everyone -  teachers, administrators, my supposed friends, couldn't see that I needed help - that the pressure and ridicule had become unbearable, and the only way I could make it stop was to explode. 

I saw all of this in Will Smith's face when he launched himself at Chris Rock at the Oscars. I saw in him a young man who had had enough, and the only way he could make the hurt stop was to manifest that hurt into a physical threat against his tormentor. 

And it is because that is what I saw - I immediately thought of all the young Brown and Black boys in schools right now dealing with the growing pressures, and trying hard not to explode, and how this display put them in danger.  It is triggering, and in seeing a successful man like Mr. Smith do this, on TV, live, and receive no immediate consequence because of his fame and fortune, I can only pray that there are no little "mes" out there thinking that they can do the same. Because unlike Will, they don't have the privilege of being a movie star and having had amassed a fortune in advance of this. Brown and Black boys are already over-disciplined in our school systems, and when you are one of but a few BIPOC males in mostly White and wealthy environments, there is even less support or understanding of the pressures we go through.

During my lowest times in Jr. High, Two teachers brought me out of the valley by telling me truths that stuck with me the rest of my life . 

One, a White man who taught Latin, sat me down and told me this after I had an episode in his class: 

"Listen - You have to remember this - no one ever remembers WHY you react - they only remember that you reacted. No one will remember that 'so and so' said whatever to you, only that you disrupted class in response. And there will always be consequences for you reacting in those ways - consequences that the people who goaded you will never have. Why? Because you were the one who reacted.  They'll go home to their nice houses, and their rich parents, and laugh that they got you to blow up, while you end up paying for everything. It's not fair. But it's the truth. Want to stick it to these rich, snobby kids? Get through this year, do well, and show them you can't be goaded into ruining your life."

The other, a Puerto Rican woman who taught me Spanish, said this to me: 

"You are not just one Latino boy walking these halls - you are all of them. In their eyes, you are every Latino boy who is at this school, and every one that wants to come here. And each time they try to come at you, they are trying to come at all of you. So if they get to you - it becomes harder for the next you....don't make this harder for the next you." 

Was it fair that I had to shoulder those burdens so young in age? No, it wasn't. But those were the burdens I held, anyway. And there are young boys right now shouldering them still. 

So for Will Smith to REACT in that way, and to be so blatant and flippant about it, broke my heart because it told these boys that not only is this behavior ok , but that you can justify your actions as "defending your loved ones" or saying that "love makes you do crazy things." 

But none of us are Will Smith. None of us would be allowed to sit back in our chairs, and laugh, and be given an award so we can act-cry and make good television. WE get suspended or expelled. WE get arrested. WE get charges. WE have consequences.  And it only takes a moment - just one explosion - to ruin years of work, to close off futures, and simultaneously give gratification to our detractors while making the path of those who come after us all the harder. 

Will Smith did not do anyone any favors last night. In fact, he endangered many a young man dealing with much more than an inappropriate joke at his wife's expense.  And for that, I'm deeply disappointed. 

I only hope that some young man dealing with his own pressures can hear the lessons I had to learn in order to get through some of the toughest times in my life:

It's not the action, but the REACTION that people remember; and YOU are always representing more than just yourself. Act accordingly. 

Punto.