A Strange Dream

I enjoy dreams, even "scary" ones. I don't really know why, but I like the adrenaline feeling when I'm in a dream about something frightening, like zombie apocalypses, or being stuck on an island with cannibals, or battling rioting racists from my front porch with a shotgun.  Since I was young, I had learned how to control my dreams, how to witness and participate in them knowing that they were not real, but my own imagination running wild, or my subconscious telling me something. I'd have to thank the Nightmare on Elm Street series for that. Freddy Kruger forced me to learn quick, or be too afraid to ever fall asleep again.

I was probably too young to watch this - but I did learn from it. Freddy can never catch me. 

Last night's dream I had a new, more disturbing feeling. I dreamt I was in a cubicle, and I was at the same firm I worked at some 20 years ago. I was a project manager, working on some of the dozens of "priority" projects that made my work go on. I was sitting there passing the time, waiting for the next paycheck, the next vacation, the next time to spend away from the fluorescent screens and "dress down" Fridays.

Here's the scary part - I wasn't 20 years ago. It was today. And I had been there that whole time. I had never changed jobs. I had never taken any risks, I'd never left. I remember in the dream that I still feared every end of quarter report, hoping I'd not be part of the 5-10% layoff the company would always schedule. I'd politicked my way to middle management, but knew I could get no further. And there, sitting in that cube, working on some project that would be obsolete in a year's time, knowing that while the bills were paid, I would always be worried, and miserable.

In the dream I knew I had a family - but wasn't sure if I was alone. I knew I was my age, but not sure how healthy I was. All I knew was that I was stuck.

I don't think I've been afraid like that in a dream in a very long time. I've never felt so "out of control" in a dream - like it wasn't a dream at all, but me looking through my own eyes in another reality. It was like some kind of inception of a dream within a dream - like some version of me was asking me for help. And I couldn't do anything but watch.

Waiting for it to fall over...

I woke up, and literally sighed with relief that it wasn't real. Relief that I had taken quite a few risks during my career, some that worked and some that didn't. Relief that I was doing things I enjoyed, that my job was not in control of my life, but that I was.  Relief that while I could always want better, I am in a good place. Relief that what I had seen, was potentially where I could have been if I hadn't forced myself to follow my gut.

I don't know if it was a dream - of if somewhere, there is a version of myself sitting in a cubicle wondering where his life went. I mourn that version of me. I hope he finds what he's looking for. I know I have found a version of happiness that keeps me going even when times are rough, and I am thankful I am me in this time, this space, and this reality.

Now this is a dream come true.

This morning, my "A Year Ago Today" picture popped up on Instagram. It's a picture of a mug that I posted on my first day at work. It is my 1 year anniversary at my new job.